I was minding my own business grilling some Omaha Steak hamburgers on my George Foreman Grill when my nosey neighbor, Fred, came through the back yard gate. He could be visiting his kids in Los Cruces and he would still smell my hamburgers and come charging back to Idaho. Fred always asks inane questions when he is waiting on a burger. I have to answer the darn things. Question: When was 9/11? Answer: It was in 2001. Q. That long? How long have we known who was responsible for the attacks? A. Since 2001. Q. And, who was responsible? A. Osama bin Laden. A. What did we do to catch Osama bin Laden and his gang? A. Did I mention a gang? We attacked Afghanistan and Iraq. Q. Were we greeted as heroes and liberators? A. Hardly! Who ever suggested that? A. Dick Cheney, the duck, pheasant, quail, and attorney hunter! And what countries did the bad guys come from? A. Saudi Arabia and their neighbors. Q. Did attacking Afghanistan and Iraq do the trick? A. No. Afghanistan significantly increased its opium production but poor Iraq has been in deadly confusion. Now there seems to be an insurgency in Afghanistan again. Americans die all the time. Q. So what is plan B? A. The worlds land area is about 16 times that of the United States. With over six billion people you would think we could find one guy simply by offering a reward. The Department of State is offering a 25 million dollar reward. Ive told everybody on the Internet (well at least those who read my junk) that Osama bin Laden is drinking lemonade in Mecca. Why dont we just go in there and get him? Then the State Department can give me my 25 million dollars. Q. So there is no Plan B? A. No! I guess not. After Plan A failed everybody in Washington just gave up. But I still say, go to Mecca! Q. Is it really that simple, Taylor Jones the hack writer? A. Maybe not, Fred. But we sure as heck have covered Afghanistan and Pakistan. Q. It seems that attacking countries instead of hiring a good detective agency has not solved the problem. A. No worry! Osama bin Laden was born in 1957. Adding 70 yearshe is in pretty good health from all that hikinghe will die around 2027. That is only 21 years away. No time at all! Q. Wasnt Osama bin Laden an ally during Afghanistans war against the USSR? A. Sure! The CIA loved the guy. Q. Why shouldnt I think that the CIA is giving him cover? A. Because that wouldnt be nice. Q. How do I not know that Osama bin Laden didnt go to Sweden and have a sex-change operation? A. You dont? Did you see her? Q. How do I not know that Osama bin Laden was seen in Beverly Hills outside the office of a prominent plastic surgeon? A. You are getting hotter by the minute. All the Mecca girls love his curly hair. Q. Aren't those burgers about done? A. Grab a plate, Fred! copyright2006 John T. Jones, Ph.D. |
